Meeting, Listening, and Learning

 

For the past month, I've been going back and forth on whether or not to join the meeting with Shila. Given that I'm someone who rarely goes out or interacts with others, the clothes my sister picked out for me a month ago remained unworn. My excuse? I just didn't feel like it. As a result, a week before the meeting, I was scrambling to choose an outfit to meet Shila and Kak Bila the next day. Dinda helped me via video call with a crash course on how to properly wear a pashmina. Quite dedicated, right? Luckily, I have wonderful siblings. Once I got approval from the two people I trust with my outfit choices, I was no longer confused.

July 29, 2024, finally arrived. With a nervous heart and cold hands and feet, I headed to the location after finishing my kindergarten class and ensuring the older kids were safe. I parked my motorbike in the usual spot next to the Trans Jakarta (TJ) Pinang Ranti bus stop. My phone notified me just as I sat down on the bus. Nissa informed me that the meeting place had changed. I hurriedly got off the bus to confirm. So frustrating! Patience is a virtue.

I felt even more frustrated because the day before, the location and time had already been uncertain. Being on the way and suddenly having the location changed made me want to sing BCL's song, "I want to vent my anger~~~" Nissa then told me the location was back to the original plan: Sate and Seafood Senayan, Menteng. My mind flashed to a principle of ushul fiqh, "al-ashlu qowiyyun." Usually, the first choice is the best because "the initial one is stronger." That was my rough logic. Haha.

Nissa suggested we go together, so I first went to her office. It was my first time visiting a friend's office. Nissa was waiting in front of the lobby. Seeing me, she jogged over and wanted to hug. What did I do? Of course, I dodged. Haha. I'm just awkward like that. Understandably, I'm not used to hugging.

"Nis, I need to use the restroom." Nissa promptly escorted me to the restroom, chatting while she covered her work uniform with a pinkish-purple outfit. She shared that due to outfit issues, she once wasn't taken seriously at a work meeting. So, we connected as two people still learning to dress neatly.

Nissa suggested we wait in the lobby to stay cool. Personally, I preferred the breeze outside and didn't want to see a lot of people coming and going. But, guests should follow the host's lead, right? Nissa ordered a Go-Car while I observed the lobby scene. "Nis, don't you guys greet each other?" I asked, giving her a look.

"Rarely, Ri. We work in different divisions. We usually greet those we work closely with." Nissa's response left me contemplating the work culture outside.

"Nis, why don't we wait by the roadside?"

"It's hot, Ri. If there's an easier way, why choose the harder one?"

"If we can make things easier for others, why make it hard?"

"Ri, the driver usually comes to the lobby. Let's just stay here. It's hot outside."

Once again, I tried to digest this. Simply put, our thoughts differed. Hmm...

 In our way to the location, we chatted, of course. Nissa asked about my teaching and some management aspects of the foundation. Nissa concluded, "Ri, you seem to be in the right environment. The office drama is intense."

I agreed; I wouldn't want to work where Nissa used to or currently does. "Back then, Ri, during the test, I asked myself, Nis, do you really want to spend your life on this job?" Something like that. I don't remember exactly. I just remember it was a question that helped me understand myself better. On the way, I learned more about Nissa's previous job.

When we arrived, Tiwi and Mentari were already there. I felt awkward at first. We exchanged greetings and then focused on our respective conversations: Mentari and Tiwi, Nissa and me. Browsing the menu made me lose my appetite out of sheer indecision. I flipped through the menu more than five times. Nissa helped me choose, and I ended up with grass jelly-Cincau. How funny—having grass jelly for lunch. Panda~ panda~

If I recall correctly, Shila arrived around 12:30. Everyone greeted Shila. Me? I was still processing. First, there were many people talking, second, I was confused, third, I was cold. Shila's voice wasn't clear in the noisy restaurant. It was hard to focus on one voice among the many. Plus, both Shila and I have quiet voices. So, it was hard to hear her. Haha.

Shila brought some pouches as souvenirs. Meanwhile, the others gave gifts to Shila. Except for me. I was still processing. Trying to understand what was happening that afternoon. I felt like I was between awareness and oblivion until Shila handed over some children's books we had discussed before. Only then did I give her the notebook I had prepared for her, which I usually use to offload my crowded thoughts.

I don't remember much from that meeting. I chatted more with Mentari. Nissa prayed dhuhr, and Riri hadn't arrived yet. Here's the seating position: Mentari-Shila-Tiwi, across from Nissa-Me-Riri, who came last. One by one, we took turns talking to Shila. Mentari explained the menu, Tiwi and Shila chatted about something I didn't catch. Haha. Nissa was busy offering Shila Balinese rice. I was busy eating Cincau and processing what I was doing that afternoon with so many people. Occasionally, I would respond when I heard my name. Everyone had switched to English while I was still processing in Indonesian. Even when offering Shila grass jelly, I spoke in Indonesian. Farihah~. I only remember Shila asking, pointing at the grass jelly, "Fari, have you had lunch? Is this your lunch?"

"No, haven’t.  I don't seem to have an appetite," I replied. That's all I remember. My memory is great, right? Haha. The busier it got, the harder it was for me to focus. That's why I prefer smaller groups and quieter places. Nissa invited me to have Balinese rice with her. I declined, as I wasn't in the mood to eat.

What about Riri? Riri was busy offering Shila fruit salad. She mentioned having another meeting with a friend later, so she didn't want to get too full. Initially, I thought Shila wouldn't order food because she has been intermittent fasting for a long time. But she ended up with a stomach ache from trying so many things offered to her.

Here, I learned a few things: the worry of meeting Riri and Mentari for fear of incompatibility was just an illusion. I ended up talking a lot with them and felt comfortable. Another important lesson is that good intentions need to be coupled with understanding. Learning to understand that offering something with good intentions remains good, but beyond that, we also need to recognize that if someone accepts our good intentions, it might not be beneficial for them.

Nissa and Tiwi left first because their lunch break was over. The four of us remaining were Mentari, Shila, Riri, and me. Mentari went her own way home. Shila, Riri, and I walked in the same direction. Shila needed a moment to answer a message. Riri asked to use my phone for a photo. We took a picture together using my phone, and Shila also wanted a photo with hers.

Shila and Riri had a small disagreement about whether to walk or take online transportation to the next location. Both were trying to be considerate. As the person caught in the middle, I finally said, "Come on, let's walk." So we walked to Grand Indonesia. I was clueless since I had never been there before. Riri guided us. Along the way, we chatted randomly. Riri even mentioned flower arrangements and yellow flags. Oh, I regret not bringing an umbrella that day. It turned out Shila has an allergy on her forehead, itchy from the sunlight. Oh well, what's done is done. We parted ways at a TJ stop. I can't remember the name. Riri just said, "the one on the left."

On the way home, I felt surreal. Seeing myself going out and meeting friends from other countries and speaking English in person felt like a dream. It was tiring but worth it. I was grateful to see myself willing to open up.

 

The Next Day,

 

Location: BLOK M

Because it was farther away, I needed to leave earlier. I wanted to arrive before the appointed time. We agreed to meet at 1 PM. I arrived at 12:20 PM. Oh my gosh, way too early.

I got off at the Blok M bus stop. It was pretty scary, folks. Creepy. The alley made my heart race, and it was deserted. My mind was racing, thinking of the worst-case scenarios. I was clueless about the area. So, I decided to keep walking until I found a busy spot to feel safer. After getting out of the alley, I stood near the entrance of Blok M Square. While waiting, a man offered me e-money. I quickly declined and walked away. I felt very uncomfortable and scared. The mindset of someone who rarely goes out like this is fragile. It felt like a scene from the movie Jakarta UNDERGROUND. Hmm... seriously, never again.

Kak Bila was still on the way. She said she might not arrive until 1:30 PM. At that point, I wanted to cry. But, since I had invited her, I tried to stay strong. Initially, Kak Bila suggested meeting up with other Enjuku members. I declined her offer. "Sorry, I'd prefer it to be just the two of us."

I ended up waiting in the mosque that Kak Bila mentioned. She arrived at 1:15 PM. We weren’t close during our time in the Enjuku theater, but I often saw her. I admired her as a leader. Kak Bila once said in her first welcome speech when I had just joined, "I believe that whatever we do, whether good or bad, intentionally or not, can affect or impact others." I admired her sense of responsibility. She was a role model.

Since we weren’t close before, it was a bit awkward at first. Not just a bit, actually. It was really awkward. Haha. I tried several times to keep the conversation going as we walked around looking for a place to eat, following Kak Bila. We eventually ate at the food court on the fifth floor of Plaza Blok M. The conversation became more fluid. We sat across from each other, eating and chatting for a long time, maybe two hours. It was the first time I had such a conversation with Kak Bila. I learned a lot of new things, trying to understand many new aspects. We were so engrossed in the conversation that our food got cold.

After the Asr prayer, I gathered the courage to ask Kak Bila for a photo together. Suddenly, I forgot how to hold a camera. Haha, so silly. Understandably, I was nervous meeting someone I admired. Kak Bila took the initiative to choose the photo spot and gave lots of ideas. I was happy. Finally, I got to take a photo with her. ^ ^

 

This is what I wrote on the bus during the trip home after meeting Kak Bila:

 

Meeting Kak Bila opened up a new perspective for me. Someone I used to see as very passionate about Enjuku activities apparently lost many moments to understand herself and the people important to her because of her busyness and achievements.

I think it’s becoming clearer. We often feel everything is fine, even though what’s really happening is hidden by all the activities we choose, consciously or not. Busyness that has no clear endpoint. Busyness that we don’t even understand the meaning of.

Giving ourselves a moment to talk, to ask, "How am I?"

 

"Have I rested enough today?"

 

"Thank you for your effort."

 

"What do I need?"

 

"What discomfort do I need to face?"

 

Human interaction is never that simple. It’s more than just two sides. It’s about the basis of the cooperation being carried out together. Is it because it’s a job? Or because we’re aware of the need to do it together and give our best in our respective roles?

Hearing Kak Bila’s story felt like looking at myself. A question arose in my mind, "Am I the same way? The responsibilities I created for myself made me forget to look inside myself. Suddenly, I was far from myself, not knowing how to move forward."

In the end, I think one of the conclusions of that meeting was about being braver and more sensitive to looking within. About the reality that even good things, when done excessively, aren’t good. About the importance of continuously learning to know oneself. Accepting that what has passed cannot be repeated, which helps us be strong in the future, even with hearts still fragile with regret.

This world isn’t narrow just because we’re immersed in our own stories. Navigating the vastness of a human’s story might take longer than that person’s lifetime.

Ultimately, life is about learning. Learning to accept that life will always be filled with questions. Discomfort. Problems and relief. To appreciate something, we need to understand why it’s valuable. That understanding might be born from pain.

Growing up and maturing teaches us to be brave in accepting the reality that stupid mistakes are part of the growth process. That was me, part of my story. How are my decisions now? Then becoming a bridge between the mistakes and the changes we want to achieve.

For me, showing my vulnerable side isn’t something to be ashamed of. The courage to view it as equal to other parts of myself is an achievement in itself because it’s not easy to be comfortable doing so. I once hated myself for sharing my story. The purpose of sharing a difficult story isn’t hoping that others will cry and feel the same pain or even hoping for solutions and the problem to be solved. However, when that conversation can touch someone else’s heart, helping them embrace their own tough days and connect through shared stories, it’s valuable. It feels like being human.

In every comfort enjoyed and valuable lessons learned, there are people who sacrifice themselves. In Enjuku, one of the places where I grew, as well as in Episoden. There are many stories behind a story. Stay healthy, good people.

"Farihah, are you planning to change jobs in the future?" Kak Bila asked as we walked toward the parking lot.

"I don’t mind what kind of job it is as long as it’s halal. I just know I want to work with people I can learn from."

Two long days. I never thought I could enjoy them. Thank you.